Live & Don't Be Sorry

I've been off the blog wagon. But I want to get back on. But I keep getting distracted. Life lately feels like a puzzle that's been dumped from it's box onto the floor. All the pieces are there- just scattered and a total mess. Balancing all the different parts of my life has been very difficult lately: managing an non-traditional work schedule, staying creatively inspired and productive, keeping up with life/home responsibilities, making quality time for husband/family, training for an ironman...sometimes it's all too much- but one of these items is about to be taken off my plate.

I'm currently 34 days away from Beach to Battleship iron distance triathlon, which I signed up for way back at the beginning of the year. For those unfamiliar with the sport: an Ironman/ full Iron Distance triathlon is an ultra distance combination of swimming (2.4 miles)+ biking (112 miles)+  running (26.2 miles). All in one day, with a cut off time of 17 hours. 

Recently the question was asked "Why would you want to do this?", to which I had a surprisingly slow response. Slow because I realized my general attitude is "Why would you not want to do this?". As I sifted through all the thoughts and feelings that this experience has evoked I came to the more specific answer: 

I want to attempt to do the thing I think I cannot.

It's the passion that wakes me up in the morning; the choice to try to live my life free of fear; the desire to be a stronger, better, bolder person- I think it is just as natural a part of who I am as having brown eyes.

In recent months I 've struggled with this journey- I've been overwhelmed, exhausted, chafed, scared, excited, frustrated, proud, hurt, and much more. Frustration and disappointment have been at the forefront lately because of some hip and glute issues I've been having that have slowed down my running quite a bit. It's made me question if I should/can even still do this race. Also, I've carried around a significant amount of guilt- for how much time and energy training commands (at the expense of other life priorities); for how much money I am funneling into this hobby; for how this can look like a selfish endeavor in general. But I think it is time to let these things go- to remind myself this is an enormous personal goal that I chose to conquer because of the reasons I listed above. 

Today marked my third experience cycling 100 miles- but today's course was tremendously hillier and more difficult than the previous two times. The previous two times by the end of the ride I was ready to lie down in the parking lot next to my bike and take a nap ASAP. Just wiped out completely. Today, I finished and I actually managed to keep it together enough to go see a friend, hit the grocery store, and now blog. WHAT??? Yes. Stronger and better. I am going to cross that finish line and I can't freaking wait.